“If
you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.” ~Maxwell Maltz
In his
words - I’ve always been a rebel—independent, and a bit of a loner. I’ve prided
myself on self-sufficiency. I like to do things my own way, and I don’t care
for unrequested input (to put it
mildly!). I’ve
been self-employed since I was 18 in a profession it can be tough to make a
living in. In large part, I’ve been successful because of my ability to care
for and emotionally support
myself.
For me,
this self-love has served my goal of doing what I want to do with my life,
regardless of whether we have any support from the outside world or not. Despite
all the practice, I don’t fully have this self-love thing down. This is also
situational. It’s an ongoing project, and
some days are better than others. On the not-so-fab days, I’ve got some
techniques I use to up the ante on feeling great about me.
Make a list of your accomplishments.
I guarantee
there have been many. Nobel prize nominations are not required. The fact that
We could
even bake amazing pies or are the person your friends always call when they
want a sympathetic ear are great examples, so are getting a degree or knowing how to
change your car’s oil. Refer to this list when you are feeling not so special.
Soak in all the cool stuff you’ve achieved and remind yourself how awesome you
are. Personally, I love the reminder that I was voted “most unique” in high
school 6th standard C. P & Berar High school .
Always learn something new.
You don’t
have to become an expert on an entire subject (unless that’s appealing). Learn how
to say “have a nice day” in Sanskrit or hit up Wikipedia’s “random article”
link until you find something interesting. Pointing our focus toward something
outside of ourselves is stimulating; it also expands our world and our
perspective. Additionally, learning makes your brain happy.
Ask your very best friend/partner/favorite family member what they love about
you and specifically how you are amazing. (Periodically)
Take note
of what they say and refer to it later when you are feeling a bit unloved.
While our view of ourselves is of primary importance (it is about self-love,
after all), it’s always nice to hear some complimentary words from someone we
love whose opinion we respect. Let me be super-clear: I am not talking about
the “friend” who is actually a of enemy, or the family member who insists on
subtly criticizing your life choices. This question is reserved for one of your
very tuned people who happens to feel the very same way toward you.
Put your focus on others with small acts of kindness.
If I’m
having a self-critical day, my tendency is to want to turn inward and pay
little attention to the outside world (and expend my energy getting down on
myself—not very useful). Instead of allowing that, I will make an effort to
chat with people I come across and offer a kind word; I’ll be a more
considerate driver; I’ll make a point of saying “hi” to people I don’t know.
For me,
focusing on others serves as a simple reminder that we are all connected, as
well as sending the message to my system that playing the introvert and
self-criticizing is not acceptable to me. This is important to understand as
wrapping around you or closing your eyes does not make world blind. Like cat
drinking milk.
And sometimes, turn inward.
I trust
myself enough to know when I just need an hour or two of nothing. No email, internet,
or other diversions—just me and a cup of something, hanging out, plotting my future,
thinking about what I want, where I’m going, and how I’m going to get there.
For me,
this is like hitting a re-set button. It clears my brain of some of the
clutter, alleviates some of the negative internal dialogue, and leaves me
feeling motivated and renewed.
Mantra jap
or Meditation is great. So is a half-hour in clam temple or a coffee shop sans
boss and kids. Both can be incredibly fulfilling. Do whatever works for you.
Put
on your most-loved music and dance.
Its an
incredibly basic concept, but oh so easy, super fun, and all good baby. I defy
you to feel bad after your endorphin-pumping, stress-relieving, body-moving,
shamelessly personalized dance party for one. Go to some old friends house to surprise
them & dug some good thoughts about past.
Practice
self-care.
The most
effective tool I use to avoid the not-so-great-in-the-self-love-department days
is regular self-care. I engage in many small acts of self-care, with occasional
larger ones thrown in.
Getting up
early enough to enjoy my morning coffee; scheduling myself in a way that doesn’t
cause my head to explode when I look at my calendar for the day; making sure my
refrigerator is well-stocked so I don’t end up having Maggie / bread and butter
for dinner—these details work for me and support me in feeling strong and
solid. I simply feel better about myself when my life is running smoothly. And
since I’m the one running my life, the responsibility to make it so is mine.
Remember:
While we are all connected, and in many ways are the same, you are the only you
there is. You are unique, amazing, and special. Revel in it, ‘cause you
rock. We all have this pull inside of us: We can either nurture our fears and
insecurities, or we can nurture our trust in love, kindness, and acceptance.
This is not a new concept.
There
is an endless amount of information out there about connecting with your inner self
and finding happiness from within.
However,
all that information can feel overwhelming and even discouraging. If you’re anything
like me, you may find yourself still aching from a broken heart, or beating
yourself up for the chocolate-chip cookie you just ate shortly after reading
about finding forgiveness, gratitude, and self-love.
What
I realized was missing for me in my quest for self-improvement—and what kept pulling
me back to my old, familiar negative thinking, feeding the insecure wolf—was faith.
In order
to make the meaningful changes that allow us to release the grasp of our fears
and limiting thoughts and beliefs, we have to be willing to believe in the
positivity—believe that we deserve to stop beating ourselves up and
looking for an external solution to “fix” us. It’s not enough to just think it.
We have to believe it.
The
world we see is a reflection of our inner experience.
When we
see love and light, we are connected to love and light inside of us. And
conversely, when we see the inadequacies around us, we’ll connect with that
inside of ourselves.
Look
around you. Where can you find evidence of the light in your life, the light
within
you?
This
concept was never more evident for me than when I had my daughters yeah twins.
Whenever I veer off course—when my old, familiar, fearful thoughts creep up to
tell me how I’m not good enough, I don’t have enough, or how everything is
going to fall apart—I think about my daughters. When I look at her, I’m able to
so clearly see the beauty and the purity of the human soul. Which was result of
our upbringing so this is kind of litmus test for me.
He doesn’t
have to do anything to prove or earn his lovability; I certainly don’t look at them
and think, “if she lost/ put a little weight, I’d love them more,” or “When she
meets that educational / financial goal, that’s when I’ll love her.”
These
thoughts don’t even cross my mind when I think of him, so why would it seem logical
to say them to myself?
We all
started out in the same place, with a full capacity for love and loving. We
weren’t born into this world with fears of failure or being emotionally walled off.
Children know no limitations until we point them out to them.
There was
once a time in your life when your dreams knew no limitations, when you were free
to take risks, and even if you fell down, you were able to get back up. Now,
all the pain of the past can almost be seen as a blessing. It has led me to the
most wonderful time in my life where I am not so much hopelessly in love, but I
am so fulfilled and content in myself that I have never felt happier.
This
positive love that now fills my heart and my world is available to every single
one of us.
Opening
our hearts and minds to love and positive space is the key to a life of love. Understanding
who we are, that we are lovable and worthy of love allows us to love and be loved.
I urge you
to learn about yourself—your past, your emotions, your reactions. Honesty is
key. You have to face up to who you are, which can be very difficult. Imagine
me, a confident, organized, highly functioning executive discovering my life
was run on an urge to prove I’m worthy of love. That was a hard one!
But if you
can deeply connect with the real you, who wants, needs, and above all deserves
to be loved, a freedom lies ahead that is beautiful to behold.
That
light is still in you. It doesn’t ever go away, sometimes fear just overshadows
it.
Fortunately,
fear is a learned response that has built up over time, which means that we can
unlearn it! When we allow ourselves to realize that the fear isn’t real, we get
to make a different choice. We can choose to find the love instead—to feed the
loving wolf. I know that when I look at my son and I see that loving energy, it
is my loving energy reflecting back at me.
Take a
look around.
Where do
you see your loving reflection shining back at you?
What inspires
you?
Where can
you look for a reminder to stay connected to your belief that you deserve a
life of love, and that the love and all possibilities are already inside of
you?
How can you stay present and
aware of which wolf you are feeding?
(I would strongly suggest jot down
these questions &review once a month you will never be alone in life at
least you will know where you should go to unwind )
Share your comments to make this better
ravindrapande@gmail.com
